Dear Fear - We're Breaking Up

 (Disclaimer: This is a post from April 21, 2015 that I just realized was never published here.  Going back and reading it made me realize what a jewel it was. Hope y'all enjoy it!)

The majority of my life I have lived in, made decisions from and cowered in fear.  Sure, there have been brave moments, times where some would have dropped everything and ran in the opposite direction as fast as they could.  For the most part though, fear has driven every aspect of my life. 

I say that enough is enough.  I’m so sick and tired of worrying about if people like me, approve of me or think I am fat or ugly, wondering if I am good enough for God to use.  I’m also sick of living life every day stuck in the same rut - get up, go to work, go to church on the days we have services and go home to go to bed and get up and do it all over again.  Where is the adventure in that?!  Has God called us to this mundane life?  I don't think so. 

A friend and I were talking earlier about life - my life to be exact.  I told her that I have been praying for the last 5-6 years specifically asking God what He wanted me to do next and I feel like I’m on some waiting list (okay so I didn’t word it exactly like that, it just fits now…) that maybe He’s forgotten.  Don’t we all feel this way at some point?  We get restless and frustrated waiting on God to do what we know He is going to do.  God’s timing is perfect, we need only be still (have patience even when we don’t feel like we have much more to go on) and trust Him to take care of us. 

This same friend said something very profound to me.  (I have actually heard it many times, but the story that follows is a pretty awesome revelation/illustration.)  She told me that I am afraid to step out of my comfort zone, I may stick my big toe out for a minute but that’s all that I am willing to stick out there.  (She thinks she knows me or something…) 

Recently, she went on a trip to Las Vegas.  While she was there she jumped off of an 855 foot building because she’s an adrenaline junkie (she also has a bucket list) and quite honestly, sometimes, I think she is just plain crazy, lol!  She told me that she was pretty sure had I been there with her, she could have talked me into doing it too.  See? I told y’all she was crazy….  The hardest part of doing this jump was having the courage to take that step, to leap off of the building, trusting that the safety precautions the staff took was going to bring her safely to the ground.  Once she took the plunge, it was nowhere near as bad as she thought it may be.  Matter of fact, she said that she didn’t fall at a very fast pace at all.  So that thing that she had began to work herself up over? It wasn’t that bad after all…  Quite fun to be exact!

That's how it is with faith though, right?  We stand teetering on the edge of something so amazing yet we don't see it because we can't make ourselves take that one small step, to plunge into possibly the greatest move of God we have ever seen.  One small step could lead you into your destiny.  One act of courageous faith in the place of fear could lead you to your future spouse, a new job, a new town, anything really.  So why are we so afraid to stick more than our big toe out there?  I'm still fighting with myself on this one but I do know that there's nothing my Daddy and I can’t handle together. 

Until next time...

Blessings and favor to all of you! 

 
P.S. I read a blog post from a friend of mine last night that is ultimately dealing with the same thing right now - fear - and I thought I would share some of her thoughts with you because they hit home with me. 

"Ultimately, we discussed fear, and how fear doesn’t exist of God.  Fear exists because of man. We create the fear that lives within us, and our fear limits God.  Most of the time fear is fueled by our own comfort.  Initially, I think of comfort as physical things.  Maybe we are afraid to give up the physical things that make our life comfortable. However, the more I contemplated how I was limiting God the more I saw my insecurities.”  - Lana Rogers

My Take On 13 Reasons Why

I've heard so much about the Netflix Original Series, 13 Reasons Why.  Both good and bad, so I thought I would watch it for myself and see what all the hype was about.  (Disclaimer: I normally wouldn't watch anything past the first f-bomb, but I chose to see what the underlying meaning was and trudged on through all 13 episodes.)

The main character here, Hannah Baker, proceeds to record her '13 reasons why' she felt the need to kill herself. Each tape has a new subject, what they did, how it made her feel and pretty much what they should have done differently (from an outsiders point of view anyway). What it boiled down to ultimately was bullying.  There was only one person in the whole series that wasn't necessarily on the tapes for anything bad he had done, it was because he was afraid to love her and she felt that he was too good for her. 

A friend and I were discussing the series earlier and we both came to the conclusion that there really wasn't a lot of what was said or done that Hannah couldn't have let roll off her back had she been strong enough to do so.  One major instance that would mess anyone up, was Hannah seeing her friend get raped and then later in the series getting raped herself by the same guy. Being raped breaks something inside of you, part of your soul even. I've never been raped, but I've had my share of guys trying to take advantage of me and being forceful when I've said no, then get mad when they realized that I was serious so I can somewhat imagine the agony they went through.


Me saying that Hannah could have let some things roll off her back is in no way saying what those kids said and did to her was okay. Bullying is never okay, I don't care who you are. You are not being cute or funny.

I have been the victim one too many times myself over the years. I can tell you that your words and actions can literally tear someone down to nothing. My parents split/divorced when I was 7/8 years old. That automatically made me an outsider at school because there really weren't a lot of kids around my age that had experienced that yet. I lived out in the country, about 10 miles or so, with very few people around so I didn't really have a lot of kids to play with either. 

Softball became an outlet for me. Many people helped out by picking me up at my moms work and taking me to practices and games, but there were times that no one wanted to help out with me. My grandfather would wind up being the person to take me to and from tournaments, games or practices because no one else would. Maybe I took some of that wrong back then because I was young and didn't understand, but it didn't stop the hurt. (Side note: my mom worked a couple jobs at the time to ensure that I had what I needed and was there when she could be, but sometimes she had to work late and had to depend on someone else to help with me.)

Fast forward to middle and high school. Certain boys began calling me "Manna" and "Wildebeast", telling me how ugly and fat I was. I've even had a guy spit in my face before because I sat down (not knowing) somewhere that he was going to sit. 

Anyway, enough of my story for now. I could go on for awhile about it but it's time to get to the "meat" of why I felt compelled to write this blog. 

Proverbs 18:21 tells us that , "Life and death are in the power of the tongue.." and Matthew 12:36-37 says, "But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned." These are some pretty powerful words y'all. Our words can be the difference between someone committing suicide or saying, "Maybe someone does care" and living to see another day. 

I'm no saint. Especially when I was younger. I've made fun of people and said hurtful things to them that could have very well broken them. Thank God for spiritual maturity and a God that loves us enough to allow us to feel convicted and be able to pray and repent, right?

I've said all of that to say this: please, watch your words and how you treat people. You never know what they are already going through and how what you say or do will affect them. Do you want to be responsible for pushing them over the edge? You may say that words are just that, words. But as stated in the above Bible verse,  we are going to give account for EVERY idle word we have spoken and if our words caused someone to commit suicide, how do you think our heavenly Father is going to feel about that? We certainly won't be adding a jewel in our crowns for those words or deeds.

No, I don't think that bullying is the only reason people choose to end their lives.  There are some things that are just too much to handle for them, things they carry for years and can't get past. Things like the death of a loved one - child, spouse, close friend, etc. Divorce, cheating, lying - honestly, the list could go on.

One of the biggest things that I myself have struggled with goes along with the subject throughout this blog. The enemy uses idle words and thoughts against us. "I felt like no one wanted me around" is a big one he has a field day with on me. "See? No one wants you anyway. Why don't you just get up to at least 100mph and veer off the road? I'll handle the rest. It will be fast and easy and you won't ever have to feel that way again." Man. How many times has he used that one against me? It used to be quite often honestly. I never had the nerve to attempt it though, thank God. One day I came across this scripture: "For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ," 2 Corinthians 10:4-5 and "Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither life nor death, nor powers, nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39. Know what I realized? I didn't have to listen when satan went to whispering in my ear that I wasn't good enough or I wasn't wanted, amid other things. I now had the power to use Jesus' own words on him and tell him to "Get behind me". 

If you're struggling with suicidal thoughts, bullying or anything along those lines, know this - I'm praying for you and I care if you are here. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you need someone to talk to. I'm in your corner. I know this has been a rather lengthy post and if you have made it this far - thank you for hanging in there. Love you all!

Anna

What's In A Name?

What’s In A Name?

A lot actually.

My name is Anna Marie Carpenter.  

Anna is a Latinate variant of the French “Anne”, a cognate of the Hebrew Hannah which means “gracious”, “full of grace”.  The Biblical name of Anna refers to the Prophetess (mentioned in the Gospel of Luke 2:36-38).  

Marie, ultimately means “bitter”…  So according to my name, I’m gracefully bitter.. Yay! (Ok, there may have been a slight sense of sarcasm here.)  

Carpenter means essentially what you think it means, “worker or fixer of wood”, “builder of wood”.

I’m 31 years old.  I have had plenty of “grace” and “bitterness” in my life over the years.  Probably more bitterness than grace on some occasions (insert shocked gasp here, after all, I am a child of God and shouldn’t be talking like this!)  I could use the excuse that “I’m human”, "it happens", but that’s just that it, isn’t it?  An excuse.  

I’ve known for a pretty good while what my name means and yet, I still catch myself walking in bitterness and unforgiveness from time to time.  I very well could have chosen to walk in grace instead of bitterness but let’s face it - we don’t always want to be the first to apologize, admit we were wrong or, for heaven’s sake, forgive!  

Sometimes we have to forgive people for things that they have no clue they have done to us, so that bitterness doesn’t stand a chance at setting up camp in our lives.  I won’t go into great detail now, maybe another time, but essentially there was a person that I thought I had forgiven that I found out real quick that I hadn’t.  Who is the one that has been hurting for the last several years over what this individual said?  Certainly not them.  They probably never gave it a second thought to be honest.  That is between them and our Heavenly Father.  I prayed, again, and forgave them, again.  I don’t think it’s so much about the forgiveness part now as it is moving past the hurt that it caused.  Lord, I ask You to come and heal my heart so that even if I were to think about the situation again, the hurt won’t be there anymore.

Moving along to the meaning of Carpenter.  I could probably build something with wood if I set my mind to it, but no, it is definitely not a strong suit, lol!  Instead, I’m going to speak to the spiritual side of it.  I am a very loving, caring individual.  I get great pleasure out of serving others (worker).  I love to watch people and see what makes them tick so to speak.  Listening to others is a strong suit.  Matter of fact, I have absolute strangers sometimes disclose things to me, and afterward, they are like, “I can’t believe I just told you that, I don’t even know you”.  I love to listen to people and try to help them, give them advice or at least pray for them if I can’t come up with something spiritual to say.  No, it hasn’t always been that way.  I have liked to “fix” people in the past and rather than being spiritual, ran them off with how I think they should handle the situation and getting frustrated because, "I’m on the outside looking in, and I can see more clearly than they.”

So, what’s in a name?  As we have already stated, a lot.  Your name can very well steer the course of your life if you let it.  Good or bad.  Throughout the Word, we see many examples of this.  

Take Jacob for instance.  In Genesis 25:26 NLT we see why he is referred to as the ‘heel grabber’.  “Then the other twin was born with his hand grasping Esau’s heel.  So they named him Jacob.”  "Bruising the heel" or "grabbing by the heel" could be related. It is an attempt to interfere with another, to impede their progress or purpose, perhaps to catch up with them, ultimately perhaps to take their place or supplant.  Because of Jacob's grabbing his brother's heel, he received his name and until his character was changed he lived up to the role his action suggested.  

Genesis 32:26-28 NLT tells us of a turnaround though.  26"Then the man said, “Let me go, for the dawn is breaking!”  But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”  27"What is your name?” the man asked.  He replied, “Jacob.”  28“Your name will no longer be Jacob,” the man told him.  “From now on you will be called Israel, because you have fought with God and with men and have won.”  Sometimes we have to fight battles against men (ourselves) and God so to speak to get to where we need to be.  No, I’m not talking about physical battles.  The Word tells us, “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh.  For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ,..”  2 Corinthians 10:3-5 NKJV

What price are you (talking to myself here, but you can apply it to your life as well if this has hit home with you) willing to pay (how much time and effort are you REALLY willing to put forth, i.e. prayer/quiet time) to “change your name”, or your character/reputation?  Do you want to be known as “graceful” or “bitter”?  If God will change Jacob’s name (character, future, legacy and so forth), He is certainly able to do the same for you and me.

I’m striving daily to be more graceful than bitter.  I’m not perfect, so I still mess up.  If you have taken the time to read this, I pray it will be a blessing to you and I pray that you would discover your God-given name (meaning purpose here) if you’re not already walking in it.  God bless and keep you always!

Anna Marie